For me, right now, running is therapy.
When I woke up five minutes before the 5 AM alarm I knew it was because I was excited. I needed to get away; away from distractions, away from the store, away from people, and to some extent away from myself. In January, I started building out the space for Uphill Running: bamboo floors, painting, building tables and wall fixtures. It was a lot of work, and it distracted me from ‘life’ a good bit. In the beginning of the year my relationship status went from 7 years to single, and my running went from some to none.
I let the work at the store numb me to the obvious depression that roots when the comfort of what you understand to be day-to-day becomes a past with no future. The relationship ended maturely, and for the amount of time we were together there’s been very little drama. Probably more telling it was over before it ended. I did kick a blueberry pie against a wall and after I threw my head back and stared into the ceiling sighing in disbelief at what I had just done we laughed about it, picked up the pieces, and ate any piece that didn’t manage to turn into an instant dog hair covered blueberry glob.
As the store grew into a healthy routine, however, the numbness to the situation began feeling more like a band-aid being slowly pulled off. I needed to accept things, but I needed to acknowledge it first. Finally, after not sleeping at all in 48 hours I noticed the night sky flirting with daylight and I slid on a pair of running shoes and I just started running. I ran into the daylight and just let everything come out. I ran on the road, through a creek, on trails. Anywhere I felt like running, I ran. I didn't give a damn, I just needed to run.
I needed to feel self-inflicted pain, I just needed to run. I needed to feel like I was setting my own path, I just needed to run. I needed to be left with my own thoughts, I just needed to run. I needed to feel vulnerable on my time, I just needed to run.
After the run the depression was still there. I still felt alone, and lost, and everything associated with a break-up, but at the end of the run I didn’t feel as emotionally disorganized. So, almost every morning since that reality check a few months ago I try to go run. It doesn't always happen, but when it does I notice.
When I hit the road just after 5 AM, yesterday, I drove toward the sunrise, over the mountains and into a canyon. The trail climbed quickly and leveled off to reveal three hundred and sixty degrees of reality: Snow-capped mountains, blossoming flowers, green grass, and an azure sky. I held a single pack of PocketFuel Java Energy Shot cold brew in my left hand, a plastic water bottle in my right hand, and I just ran. I ran until I emptied half the water bottle and then I turned around. No watch, no route, I just ran and loved every step.
Running restores who I am. For me, right now, running is therapy. It’s not training, it’s not racing, and it’s not forced. Every Monday I find a place to bury myself in my own solitude, I just need to run.
“Let’s Keep It Real”
- Trey Bailey
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